Army Develops MRPs (Meals Ready to Pee On): “Fresh from their success in creating the Three Year Indestructible Sandwich, the US Army’s Soldier System Center in Natick, Massachusetts has created a pouch filled with chicken and rice that can be rehydrated with a soldier’s own urine. Or the urine of their crushed enemies. Anything really, even the muddiest swamp water, as the pouch uses a special filter that uses osmosis to remove 99.9-percent of bacteria and toxic chemicals from the water used to rehydrate the food (Now with 0.1-percent Deadly Toxins!). Of course, regular, non-lethal water should be used in optimal situations, but engineers involved with the project reassure us that short term usage probably won’t cause any long-term kidney damage (unless your buddy kicks you in the side to get enough fluid to reconstitute his peaches).

You don’t want to know what has to be done to make the Tootsie Roll chewy again.”

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